1. Yup, that's my 12 gauge shotgun. Treat my daughter improperly and you might get to see it up close.
2. My daughter may not understand what motivates you but I do. I've got eyes in the back of my head and radar specially tuned to pick up improper motives.
3. I have spies. A boy once touched one of my daughters improperly. When I heard of it I requested that he come to my home where I asked him to confirm what I had heard. After I "explained" things to him we never had trouble with him again.
4. I have X-ray vision and I'm able to see what you're looking at and why. Stare at anything below her neck and I just might have to string you up by your neck.
5. If looking is bad you don't even want to think about touching. Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to sex. In fact I think sex is great, sex that's done right that is. So make sure, when you have sex, you wear one of those things that will keep you safe from STDs. You know what I mean, a wedding ring to protect yourself from her Screaming Tyrannical Dad.
6. I have sensitive hearing. Once while parked at a store a car full of teenagers pulled up next to me. One of the boys was making crude sexual remarks in the presence of my daughters so I "intervened". Kinda makes you wonder what I did to make a cocky teenage male humble himself right there in front of all his friends and his girl friend, doesn't it. My daughters were afraid they might have a gun (what makes them think I didn't have a gun?) Moral of the story: Be careful what you say, you may end up eating your words.
7. I have a keen sense of smell. Once while at a 7-11, I detected alcohol on the breath of a young man who had been cruising with other teenage boys and girls. Within seconds I had him eagerly confessing everything he'd had to drink, at least until I asked him for his ID. I busted him right on the spot. His "friends" called me every filthy name in the book but they all abandoned him and left him to take the rap alone. The police came and took him into custody but he'll sure think twice before abusing alcohol again. How I got him to eagerly confess everything he'd had to drink will remain my secret but rest assured I can do the same with you.
8. I have a direct channel to my daughter's spirit and I'm very sensitive to it. If you do ANYTHING to hurt her feelings I'll know it the second I see her.
9. How a young man treats his mother is a good indicator of how he will treat his wife and girlfriend. I'll be watching and listening.
10. How he treats HER parents is also a good indicator of how much he loves and respects her. A man with good intentions will also develop a relationship with her family. Are you listening? If you want to improve your relationship with my daughter, improve your relationship with her parents. Avoid me and I'll wonder what you're trying to hide.
11. Who you choose to keep company with tells me a lot about you.
12. There's one final way to know what your intentions are but that will remain my secret for now.
OK, so I've never really shot or maimed anyone, least of all someone whom my daughter admires. The bottom line is I want what's best for my daughter and that's good news for you. If you respect my daughter and treat her like the beautiful and wonderful creation she is, I'll respect you and do everything I can to support you and your relationship.
The Real Deal:
My goal is not to discourage dating but to encourage the type of relationship that will yield the greatest fulfillment for my daughters (and their future husbands).
1. If you really care about my daughter you'll come talk to me. If you want to have a relationship with my daughter remember that her family is part of the package.
Don't expect to just show up and ask to take my precious daughter somewhere. Why would I agree to let somone I don't know, take my daughter to a place I don't know, with people I don't know, doing things of which I don't know, and bringing her back when and in what condition I don't know? If you want to do it right spend time in our home. Once you start fitting in like a member of our family you'll be amazed at how we start treating you like a member of the family.
Want to take my daughter out to dinner? Invite us over to your house for a bar-b-que or something. We'd really like to meet your parents too and I think you'll find that we aren't quite as boring as you thought.
2. If you want to know what impresses me most, it's your CHARACTER, both good and bad. Tatoos, earrings, green hair, things that suggest you express your individualism by following the crowd; they say something about your character. So does calling me by my first name. Addressing me as Mr. Ellis demonstrates respect and the degree to which you show respect to me says something about the degree of respect with which you'll treat my daughter. I'm much more impressed by your knowledge of history than I am of your knowledge of sports. I respect spiritual maturity more than I respect physical ability. I'd much rather hear about your goals for the future than listen to your opinions about the present. Get the picture?
3. My daughter is the most precious, most valuable thing in the world. There is a custom in India where the groom pays a dowry in proportion to his bride's beauty. In one case the bride was unattractive and the father was expecting a small sum but, to his surprise, he received an enormous sum, larger than anyone in the village had ever received. His daughter became the talk of the town and everyone, including the groom, was soon speaking of her incredible beauty. That's how I want you to treat my daughter, far above her perceived value because whatever that perception is, it's wrong. Her value is beyond compare. The God who created this universe laid down His life for her. Need I say more?
4. I joke around about getting out the old shotgun but the truth is, if you're the one for my daughter I'll do everything I can to help. A relationship is not something that just happens. It's something that's built and requires maintenance and, as with any structure, the foundations you build it on mean everything.